Divorce: Expectation vs Reality

This is a very personal post for me because I never imagined that at 30 years old I’d be divorced with 2 kids. When I was a little girl I envisioned my wedding day as most little girls do . What they don’t tell you about in those fairy tales is what happens if life happens and things don’t work out. While getting a divorce is what we needed, it’s not what we wanted or hoped for our family. The only plus side on my end of the situation was being able to find myself again. I figured out how to love myself for me and not for anyone else. I found some new hobbies and things that I enjoyed besides taking care of my boys.
 
There were so many factors that led to making the decision to leave my husband. In the 5 years that we were together we had many ups and downs but when it came down to what we had more of, we had more bad than good. We had both been emotionally unfaithful at one point or another during our relationship. But it was still infidelity. We would argue a lot. Sometimes over stupid things and sometimes over serious things like money. My mental health issues got brought up a lot because like I have mentioned in “My Journey” post I was bad about taking my medications. I will be the first to admit I was/am terrible at communication. I tend to hold everything in until someone pushes me over the edge then I explode.  A lot of our issues could have been fixed if we both could have sat down, stayed calm and talked but we couldn’t do that.
 
Divorce can become very difficult and take a very long time depending on what all is involved. When there are children involved and the parents don’t get along it can be a very drawn out process and even more painful process.
 
According to the CDC the marriage rate is 6.9 to 1,000 of the total population. The divorce rate is 3.2 to 1,000 of the total population. (www.cdc.gov) some of the main reasons people file for divorce are:
 
  • Infidelity
  • Money
  • Communication
  • Lack of intimacy
  • Abuse
  • Weight gain
  • Unrealistic expectations
  • Not being prepared for marriage
I expected that my divorce would be extremely difficult and drawn out because of our 2 year old son. The fact that we both wanted custody and we weren’t getting along at the time, but for the sake of our son we were able to sit down together and set up a parenting plan that worked for both of us. We worked with both of our schedules and worked for what was best for our son. We only had to go to court twice. We also had to go to a family in transitions class which is required by the courts.  The Judge actually praised us for how we were able to go through this process without bringing all our drama into the courtroom.
 
I still struggle at times because I look at divorce as failing my marriage. I have to remind myself we are all human and as humans we are not perfect. I admit that I failed to keep my commitment to my vows and to my husband but at some point we all do fail at something.
 
When you are healing from a divorce it’s very important to be patient with yourself and give yourself time to heal. We all heal differently so take all the time you need. Replaying the past won’t help you change the outcome so don’t look backwards. Look forward because we can only change going forward. Forgiving someone is hard when moving on, but forgiving someone who hurt you is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I read somewhere that if you look in the mirror and say “[name] I forgive you” then say “I forgive myself”. It can be very helpful.
 
Mental health during a separation and divorce
 
Divorce can be very hard on anyone. When adding someone with mental health condition it can get even worse. There are some things you can do to help with this process. Here are some things you can do to help.
 
  • Keep moving! Don’t lay around the house unless you are going to sleep. Stay busy will help keep your mind from going to those bad places.
  • Don’t self-medicate. Iif you are depressed and it’s not getting any better contact your local medical provider to get some help. There is no shame in needing some help especially during a hard period in your life.
  • Pamper yourself. Watch a funny movie, take a bubble bath, have a night out with friends, do a craft or something you enjoy.
  • Write down all your thoughts, it’s something for you so get it all out of your head and onto paper.
  • Have a support system!
 
After 10 months of being a part Dalton and I have been working on our relationship and are doing amazing. Our kids are happy and healthy and excited to see us together and have their family back together.  We couldn’t ask for anything more right now.
 

 

Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to this picture. I am not a medical professional, if you are having a medical emergency please contact 911 immediately. This post is for informational purposes only. If you believe you have a medical issue contact your local medical provider.

2 thoughts on “Divorce: Expectation vs Reality

  1. I am proud of your for being able to leave such a negative and toxic situation. And you’re right – no one deserves any form of abuse and I am so glad you are away from that. Wishing you all the best in this next phase of your life – speak766

    Liked by 1 person

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