These past few days have been excruciatingly painful to say the least. I am more talking about emotionally vs physically painful. Yes it has be physically painful but it is nothing compared to the emotional pain I have been going through. This is something I never thought would happen to me but since it has I had been doing some reading about miscarriages. As my doctor told me there was a reason for this miscarriage. Some of the main reasons someone may miscarry: genetic abnormalities, uterine abnormalities and sometimes the reason is not able to be known. There is nothing that can be done when a miscarriage starts.
I put a lot of blame on myself when I first had my miscarriage. All the questions came flooding into my head. I wondered if I had something to cause this somehow. I wondered if there was something I could have done differently to change the outcome. Rational me knew that I had done nothing wrong and I couldn’t change what had happened but I still had those thoughts. Then the thoughts of what this baby would have been like flooded my mind. Wondering if it would have been a boy or a girl. How Elijah would be been a protective big brother like Brayden. There were so many thoughts and I couldn’t get them to stop so I kept myself busy doing anything to not let my mind think about my loss.
I wanted to share my story and let all you other momma’s and daddy’s that have been through this traumatic experience that you are not alone. When I found out I was pregnant I also had a sinus infection. I didn’t go to the doctor at the time because I knew there wasn’t much they would do except some of the old tricks. Over the following 2 weeks my cough continued to get worse and I began having a pain in my right side. I thought was muscle strain from coughing so hard and often. One the 4th of July we went to Smithville Lake to go camping with my in-laws and watch the firework show. Then the following day we went back out to the lake and decided to do some boating and the guys got on the jet skies. I mainly stayed on the boat except for a few times getting in the water with my youngest. We got home late that night and I noticed I was spotting slightly. I didn’t think much of it because it was still early in my pregnancy and I knew implantation bleeding is common. Well I woke up on Saturday morning and knew something wasn’t right. So we headed to the Emergency Room. The doctor came in and told me that it is either a miscarriage or implantation bleeding. At this point I am trying to remain calm and positive but deep down I knew something was wrong. They drew my blood, and I went for a Ultrasound where I knew nothing was okay. When I got back into my room, the doctor came in and the nurse shut the door and began to tell me that I had a miscarriage. My heart shattered into a million little pieces. Once they left the room I lost it. They checked on me a few more times while giving me some IV fluids. After about 5 hours in the Emergency room they left me go home. I was numb, I couldn’t feel a thing. Dalton stopped and got me some food because I was starving but I don’t even remember what we got me and I don’t remember eating. We got back home and I laid in bed. The rest of that day and Sunday were a complete blur. I knew that every time I thought about it I would break down. I was trying so hard to be strong for Dalton and for Elijah who was at the hospital and home with us. He didn’t understand why mommy was sad and sick. Over this past week I have tried so hard to stay busy and keep my mind off of it. Then I went to counseling on Tuesday. I had told him what happened and that I was doing everything I could to keep it off my mind and while he said that was fine I also need time to grieve. He suggested that I find someone to keep the boys and I need to just rest, let my body heal and let me experience my emotions.
I have learned a lot from having this experience. 1. Hearing sorry repeatedly doesn’t help. I’ve been that person who is giving condolences but until you are in that situation there are no words that can help you in that situation. 2. You have to learn to listen to your body very well. I was trying to go on with my every day activities and my body was screaming at me. I’ve had to learn to take it easy and let my body do what it needs to do. 3. Having someone tell you “maybe its for the best” or “its a blessing in disguise” can go straight to hell (excuse my language). I understand that having lost this baby opens the door to another baby if we decide that is what we want but it does not change how I currently feel. Brayden has been on vacation with his dad and just got home Monday so hes still been with his dad while I try to rest and get my emotions together. Elijah I feel so bad because he see’s me upset and crying and he doesn’t understand. He still comes over and pats my belly and tells me “shh the baby is sleeping” and it shatters my heart all over again. We have a beautiful angel watching over us. I know he/she is safe up there with their grandpa Wayne, uncle David, Papa Mark and many others who are watching over us. Fly high baby, I will see you again someday. ❤