Lately things have been somewhat chaotic. Between finding out I was pregnant and having to stop most of my medications due to the pregnancy. Then I had a miscarriage and now dealing with some medical problems. My emotions have been all over the place. Some days I feel grounded and happy, other days I feel lost, hopeless and angry. I am not afraid to talk about my mental health because I know I am not alone and I don’t want anyone else to feel alone in their journey. These days though I have been angry. I went through many emotions the past few weeks but right now I am just angry. I’m angry that not only did I have a miscarriage but also that now I am having some other medical problems that aren’t getting situated fast enough. I’m ready for it to just all be over so I can truly move on. I have just been trying to stay busy and keep my mind busy so I don’t have to think or worry about it.
I know we all grief differently and my counselor just keeps telling me that its okay to feel whatever emotion I feel. You know how when you buy a new car and then you always see that car everywhere you go. It has been like that for me with pregnant women. Everywhere I go now I see pregnant woman, and I thought it would really upset me and make me sad but it has turned me bitter and angry. I find it that I just want to stay home because at least there I am not out being angry and bitter because I see someone pregnant. Some days are better than others but I just have to allow myself to feel what I feel so I can move forward. Also I have learned that someone saying “I’m so sorry” is just numbing once you hear it so many times. There are no words that can truly make you feel better about your loss. Don’t get me wrong I appreciate everyone thinking of me and sharing their condolences but “I’m sorry” is just a numb saying to me at this point. I used to be that girl that would say “I’m so sorry, will be praying for you” until this happened to me. Nothing can take that pain away and now I unfortunately understand that.
Some days every single thing gets under my skin and irritates me and I have tried to keep my emotions in check. I try to keep my anger under control but sometimes that just doesn’t happen. I have been feeling terrible because my three year old told me the other day “don’t yell no more mommy”. I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces again. I know he doesn’t understand what I am going through because he still randomly comes up to me, puts his hand on my belly and says “shhh baby is sleeping” ugh.
I have also learned that I have many people in my life that care about me. They have checked on my daily for over 2 weeks and I am forever grateful for them . If you have ever had to deal with something traumatic in your life. We all have in one way or another, I wont tell you I’m sorry. I will tell you that I am thankful you are still here and are doing what you need to do to live each day. ❤