Suffering alone?

When you are dealing with anxiety and/or depression things can be difficult enough. When you have a significant other who has never dealt with it thankfully, it tends to make things even more difficult. They usually aren’t sure what to do or how to handle our anxiety and depression episodes at least my husband wasn’t. It wasn’t his fault though, he was trying. He tried to help by getting me to open up and talk. Like I had said in a previous post during the first two years of our relationship I was not taking my medications. I didn’t open up and talk about anything. I was not in a good place mentally. I felt like I was tearing our family apart. I put every negative aspect from our relationship onto myself. Even though I would blame him during our arguments.
It never helped when I would hear things like “there are others way worse off than you”. “Your moods bring everyone around you down”, and “no one said life was fair”. These comments have been engraved into my brain because they have been said by people who so called “loved me”. Trust me I completely understand there are people out there who have it worse off, I do read and watch the news. I know life isn’t fair if it was l would struggle the way I do.
For anyone who may read this that is in a relationship currently or in the future with someone with depression please be patient. When your significant other is having a hard time give them some encouraging words. “You are not alone; I’ll always be here even if I don’t understand what you are going through” “I am not going to leave you”, “You are not crazy”. Because let’s face it I thought I was going crazy. There were days where I felt like the world’s worst mom, girlfriend/wife because I couldn’t even get out of bed. I wouldn’t shower, I wouldn’t cook or eat, and I would call into work and just sleep. On the days I did manage to get out of bed and managed to get to work I was a zombie, before Id make it there I’d cry, I’d yell and throw things. It was a rough couple years with my ups and downs.
I talked about what a significant other without depression could do to help their partner. Now what could the one with depression do to help their partner understand depression? If you have a hard time talking about your depression like I did try to sit down and write a letter about how you are feeling. Another option would be for your significant other to go to the doctor with you a few times to hear what your doctor has to say. There are also some books, look on Amazon that can help you understand living with someone with depression. We can never learn too much about this very important topic!
Depression is not something that will just go away overnight. It takes time to get better. You may wake up feeling better than you did the day before but remember; this is a journey. We are going up a very steep mountain we need to take our time when it comes to our mental health.
Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to this picture. I am not a medical professional, if you are having a medical emergency please contact 911 immediately. This post is for informational purposes only. If you believe you have a medical issue contact your local medical provider.

Emotional Eating

I have always been an emotional eater for as long as I can remember. I use food as a way to deal with my feelings. Sweets are my go too. What is emotional eating?
Emotional hunger comes on suddenly. It will hit you instantly, feels overwhelming and urgent. You crave specific comfort foods. I crave chocolate and sweets like crazy. Then emotional eating turns into mindless eating. When you are an emotional eater you often don’t realize you ate the entire pint of ice cream then immediately feel the guilt and regret of how much you ate.
So how do we stop eating due to emotional reasons? First knowing you had a problem with emotional eating is a huge first step but then we have to identify your triggers. Common causes of emotional eating include:
1. Being bored or lonely. I find that I snack the most when I am bored and when I am alone. It gives me something to do and I know I’m not hungry just bored.
2. Eating to avoid your emotions. Sometimes I notice if I am sad, or angry I will go to the fridge or pantry and find something to snack on to drown out those emotions.
3. Habits from your childhood. Maybe you grab a certain snack or food that bring nostalgia or its something that you always had when you got a reward or when you were sad.
4. Stress. This is a big one for me, I am 100% a stress eater. This one is the hardest for me to break.
Once you know your triggers then you can work on finding healthy way to feed those feelings without food. There are alternatives to emotional eating. You bored? Watch a TV show, read a book, do a DIY project, or anything to keep you busy. If you’re tired try a warm bath, some tea, or even a nap. Anxious? Try taking a walk, listen to some music, meditate, or get a weighted blanket. Are you depressed or lonely? Try to journal your thoughts and if they are something you don’t want anyone to ever find try burning it when you’re done. Maybe call or text someone who can help raise your spirits, or play with an animal.
My biggest struggle with stress/emotional eating is knowing if I was truly hungry or is it just emotional? Emotional eating tends to be automatic. True hunger comes on gradually. I was always told that when I want food to put it off for 5 minutes. When you are waiting you can ask yourself how you are doing? Are you upset, stressed, lonely anything that could trigger the response for emotional eating. If you do realize you are stress eating it doesn’t mean you can’t have the snack but at least you recognize that you aren’t truly hungry.
I find myself wanting sweets more so at night, but also when I am bored or when I’m stressed. I’m actually the opposite when I am depressed I just want to sleep. I try to keep healthy snacks in the house and not a bunch of sweets because that is when I just end up mindlessly eating. I started keeping a food journal. I want to lose weight so I am going to keep a food journal for a week so I can see what areas I need to focus on.
I will take control over my eating and my health by learning when I am actually hungry and when I am just bored or stressed. I know this is a common issue but I really get down on myself when I eat a bunch of stuff that I know I don’t need. I have to stop being so hard on myself and accept that this is just part of who I am and this is just another piece of my journey.

Struggles with my mental health

Lately things have been somewhat chaotic. Between finding out I was pregnant and having to stop most of my medications due to the pregnancy. Then I had a miscarriage and now dealing with some medical problems. My emotions have been all over the place. Some days I feel grounded and happy, other days I feel lost, hopeless and angry. I am not afraid to talk about my mental health because I know I am not alone and I don’t want anyone else to feel alone in their journey. These days though I have been angry. I went through many emotions the past few weeks but right now I am just angry. I’m angry that not only did I have a miscarriage but also that now I am having some other medical problems that aren’t getting situated fast enough. I’m ready for it to just all be over so I can truly move on. I have just been trying to stay busy and keep my mind busy so I don’t have to think or worry about it.
I know we all grief differently and my counselor just keeps telling me that its okay to feel whatever emotion I feel. You know how when you buy a new car and then you always see that car everywhere you go. It has been like that for me with pregnant women. Everywhere I go now I see pregnant woman, and I thought it would really upset me and make me sad but it has turned me bitter and angry. I find it that I just want to stay home because at least there I am not out being angry and bitter because I see someone pregnant. Some days are better than others but I just have to allow myself to feel what I feel so I can move forward. Also I have learned that someone saying “I’m so sorry” is just numbing once you hear it so many times. There are no words that can truly make you feel better about your loss. Don’t get me wrong I appreciate everyone thinking of me and sharing their condolences but “I’m sorry” is just a numb saying to me at this point. I used to be that girl that would say “I’m so sorry, will be praying for you” until this happened to me. Nothing can take that pain away and now I unfortunately understand that.
Some days every single thing gets under my skin and irritates me and I have tried to keep my emotions in check. I try to keep my anger under control but sometimes that just doesn’t happen. I have been feeling terrible because my three year old told me the other day “don’t yell no more mommy”. I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces again. I know he doesn’t understand what I am going through because he still randomly comes up to me, puts his hand on my belly and says “shhh baby is sleeping” ugh.
I have also learned that I have many people in my life that care about me. They have checked on my daily for over 2 weeks and I am forever grateful for them . If you have ever had to deal with something traumatic in your life. We all have in one way or another, I wont tell you I’m sorry. I will tell you that I am thankful you are still here and are doing what you need to do to live each day. ❤

I am the 1 in 4

These past few days have been excruciatingly painful to say the least. I am more talking about emotionally vs physically painful. Yes it has be physically painful but it is nothing compared to the emotional pain I have been going through. This is something I never thought would happen to me but since it has I had been doing some reading about miscarriages. As my doctor told me there was a reason for this miscarriage. Some of the main reasons someone may miscarry: genetic abnormalities, uterine abnormalities and sometimes the reason is not able to be known. There is nothing that can be done when a miscarriage starts. 
I put a lot of blame on myself when I first had my miscarriage. All the questions came flooding into my head. I wondered if I had something to cause this somehow. I wondered if there was something I could have done differently to change the outcome. Rational me knew that I had done nothing wrong and I couldn’t change what had happened but I still had those thoughts. Then the thoughts of what this baby would have been like flooded my mind. Wondering if it would have been a boy or a girl. How Elijah would be been a protective big brother like Brayden. There were so many thoughts and I couldn’t get them to stop so I kept myself busy doing anything to not let my mind think about my loss
I wanted to share my story and let all you other momma’s and daddy’s that have been through this traumatic experience that you are not alone. When I found out I was pregnant I also had a sinus infection. I didn’t go to the doctor at the time because I knew there wasn’t much they would do except some of the old tricks. Over the following 2 weeks my cough continued to get worse and I began having a pain in my right side. I thought was muscle strain from coughing so hard and often. One the 4th of July we went to Smithville Lake to go camping with my in-laws and watch the firework show. Then the following day we went back out to the lake and decided to do some boating and the guys got on the jet skies. I mainly stayed on the boat except for a few times getting in the water with my youngest. We got home late that night and I noticed I was spotting slightly. I didn’t think much of it because it was still early in my pregnancy and I knew implantation bleeding is common. Well I woke up on Saturday morning and knew something wasn’t right. So we headed to the Emergency Room. The doctor came in and told me that it is either a miscarriage or implantation bleeding. At this point I am trying to remain calm and positive but deep down I knew something was wrong. They drew my blood, and I went for a Ultrasound where I knew nothing was okay. When I got back into my room, the doctor came in and the nurse shut the door and began to tell me that I had a miscarriage. My heart shattered into a million little pieces. Once they left the room I lost it. They checked on me a few more times while giving me some IV fluids. After about 5 hours in the Emergency room they left me go home. I was numb, I couldn’t feel a thing. Dalton stopped and got me some food because I was starving but I don’t even remember what we got me and I don’t remember eating. We got back home and I laid in bed. The rest of that day and Sunday were a complete blur. I knew that every time I thought about it I would break down. I was trying so hard to be strong for Dalton and for Elijah who was at the hospital and home with us. He didn’t understand why mommy was sad and sick. Over this past week I have tried so hard to stay busy and keep my mind off of it. Then I went to counseling on Tuesday. I had told him what happened and that I was doing everything I could to keep it off my mind and while he said that was fine I also need time to grieve. He suggested that I find someone to keep the boys and I need to just rest, let my body heal and let me experience my emotions
I have learned a lot from having this experience. 1. Hearing sorry repeatedly doesn’t help. I’ve been that person who is giving condolences but until you are in that situation there are no words that can help you in that situation. 2. You have to learn to listen to your body very well. I was trying to go on with my every day activities and my body was screaming at me. I’ve had to learn to take it easy and let my body do what it needs to do. 3. Having someone tell you “maybe its for the best” or “its a blessing in disguise” can go straight to hell (excuse my language). I understand that having lost this baby opens the door to another baby if we decide that is what we want but it does not change how I currently feel. Brayden has been on vacation with his dad and just got home Monday so hes still been with his dad while I try to rest and get my emotions together. Elijah I feel so bad because he see’s me upset and crying and he doesn’t understand. He still comes over and pats my belly and tells me “shh the baby is sleeping” and it shatters my heart all over again. We have a beautiful angel watching over us. I know he/she is safe up there with their grandpa Wayne, uncle David, Papa Mark and many others who are watching over us. Fly high baby, I will see you again someday. ❤  

Never thought this would be me…

I never thought I would experience something so painful not just physically but emotionally. It breaks my heart just to say it but I AM that 1 in 4. I lost my baby at 6 weeks and 3 days. It was early but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. Honestly I have just been at a loss for words. When they told me “the tests prove that you are having a miscarriage” was a straight stab into my heart. It was something that I never thought would happen to me. I have seen many of my friends go through it and I would always give them my condolences and let them know I am here if they needed anything but when I hear those words now it is nice but it honestly doesn’t do much for me. Honestly not much anyone can say or do that will help me right now. I went to counseling today and talked about what happened which has helped me but at the same time doing what I need to do. I have been doing anything I can to keep my mind busy. Once I let my mind go is when I get emotional. He said that I need to just let myself go, have someone keep my kids for a few days, don’t worry about cleaning house, cooking or taking care of kids just rest and let myself feel what I am feeling. I know he is right because right now I’ve been trying to keep myself busy and not feel my loss and I think I am beginning to overdo myself because I am very sore and exhausted. Hopefully this weekend I can have someone keep my boys and I can do what I need to do. I just wanted to update everyone on what has been going on this past few days. Love y’all.

Exciting Exciting News

It seems like it’s been forever since I last wrote and life is crazy, but I did want to update you guys on everything going on in my life. While this has been sort of put on the back burner, I am hoping to be able to find the time to start writing at least weekly again! As I told you all last time, I started school and I was planning on major in business administration with a concentration in HR. After thinking about it and doing some research I decided to change my major. I am now going to be majoring in Psychology with a concentration of mental health. This is something that is very near and dear to me and it made perfect sense to focus my career with a path that I would enjoy. I have also been doing some research to become a peer support specialist and I am hoping to take the week long class in August. So many exciting things are going on, not only with school but in my personal life also.
As many of you know that Dalton and I had gotten back together about a year ago and in February we moved out into our little farm house that we love! We finally were able to trade in our jeep for a new truck and it has a ton more space for the boys in the back plus we can tow and carry bigger items. Then about a week after we got our new truck, we found out that WE ARE PREGNANT!!!!! It was a shock to us, but we are very excited to be welcoming another bundle of joy into our lives. Since finding out that I am pregnant it meant that I had to stop taking almost all my medications including my antidepressant. This has been a STRUGGLE for the past week and a half or so. I am working on trying to find ways to channel my emotions and not take them out on my loved ones. I am only human though and I will tell you it has been very hard. I see my OB this month and I hope I can get something to help with my depression during the next several months. I have been doing some research on pregnancy and depression and I will share what I have discovered. Not only about the topic in generally and what relates to me and my body. 
We are all very excited to have another babe join our crazy family. There are lots of babies being born within the next 9 months on both sides of my family. My sister had her baby boy, my other sister is currently pregnant with her baby. On my dad’s side of the family both my step-sisters are pregnant, and a cousin. We will be having 3 babies under ONE of my mom’s side once my bundle arrives in February 2020 and there will be 6 babies under ONE on my dad’s side. Apparently, we all just need to stay away from each other because pregnancy is contagious this year! 😊
Here are some of the fun things that have happened recently, and I promise you will start seeing more posts soon. I am currently only taking one class per term right now so it will help me free up some time to work on something I love to do which is write. Love to all! ❤


Hi all! It’s been awhile since I have posted so I just wanted to give you all an update on my life. As most of you know we moved back in February. Other than that we have just been getting settled and of course decorating! I am currently planting flowers and doing some landscaping. I actually made the decision to go back to school and just started my first set of classes this week. It was a huge step for me and something I had been considering for quite a while and decided to go for it! Other than that things have been going pretty good. I have been going to counseling once a week which has been great for me and I actually enjoy going. I am hoping to be able to post more often once I get a schedule down with my school. I look forward to writing again and bringing awareness to those topics that are important to me.

I can’t sleep…

I’ve been dealing with insomnia for many years now. Insomnia is a sleep disorder which causes you to have problems falling and staying asleep. Insomnia has at least one of the following symptoms. Whether it be difficulty falling asleep, waking up often during the night with trouble falling back asleep. Anxiety, stress and depression can cause chronic insomnia. In return insomnia can make those issues worse. This sleeping disorder can also cause other emotional issues such as anger, worry, grief, bipolar disorder or trauma. There are over 3 million cases of people who have this sleeping disorder.
Like I said I have struggled with insomnia for years. I was even taking Ambien at one point but it was becoming a nightly thing and my body got used to the medication. I have tried many different things to help me sleep including essential oils to ASMR. My insomnia tends to come and go. I have never paid attention to the cycle whether it matches with my depression flare ups but I will pay attention now.
Insomnia can be caused by mental or physical conditions. It can also be caused by unhealthy sleep patterns, certain substances or biological factors. Some of those medical conditions include:
• Nasal and sinus allergies
• Gastrointestinal problems
• Hyperthyroidism
• Arthritis
• Asthma
• Neurological conditions
• Chronic pain
• Low back pain
These medical issues can also cause your sleep problems. Learning if your medications cause problems with sleep like some of mine. I have to take them in the morning so they have all day to keep me awake so I can try to get some sleep. I know when I was working overnights sleeping during the day was hard. Especially when I would get off and try to wind down as everyone was getting up for the day. Using your cell phones can also affect your sleep. There will be times when I lay in bed playing on my phone and then 2 hours go by and I’m still not asleep. Taking naps can be great to help you get some energy to get through the day but it makes it harder to go to sleep.
Sleep is an essential part of life. If you are having trouble sleeping and have looked into certain aspects of your life that could affect your sleep without any luck. Then talking to your doctor would be the next step because sleep is important.
Recommended hours of sleep needed:
Newborn (0-3 months) 14-17 hours a day
Infant (4-11 months) 12-15 hours a day
Toddler (1-2 years) 11-14 hours a day
Preschool (3-5 years) 10-13 hours a day
School age (6-13 years) 9-11 hours a day
Teenager (14-17 years) 8-10 hours a day
Adult (18-64 years) 7-9 hours a day
Over 65 7-8 hours a day
Lets be honest I want to sleep like an infant again!<3
Disclaimer: I don’t own the rights to this picture. I am not a medical professional. If you are having a medical emergency contact 911 immediately. This blog is for informational purposes only. If you believe you may have a medical issue contact your local medical provider.


Accept yourself…no matter what

Self-acceptance is a person’s happiness with ones self. This can be good for your mental health. Self-acceptance involves self understanding and a realistic awareness of your strengths and weaknesses. Learning to accept yourself is necessary because when you don’t it can affect many aspects of your life. Not only will it affect the way you treat yourself, but also the way others will treat you. It will also affect you mentally and can cause you to have depression or anxiety. Trust me I know what it is like to not accept yourself and for it to cause problems with your mental health.
I struggle every day to accept and love myself. I am constantly criticizing myself for things I did or didn’t do. I struggle with my appearance. I always wonder what I should be doing to improve them. Then I am laying in bed and night wondering why I am not strong enough to follow through. It’s a vicious cycle. There are some pretty simple things you can do to help with your self acceptance. It’s things that I have done in my life and if
I can do them so can you.
1. Journal every day. I do this by blogging. I may not have hundreds of thousands of followers but if I have managed to help even one person by posting. Then I will still continue to write. This is my story, ❤
2. Remove toxic people from your life. Over the years I’ve had many friends come and go. I have learned within the past year or so who my true friends are and who the ones who were in my life to cause me problems. I cherish those true friendships.
3. Follow your heart. I am pretty good at ignoring my brain and following my heart. This has caused me problems in the past but I am thankful for those mistakes and learning from them.
4. Forgive yourself. You have to forgive yourself for the mistakes that you have made in the past. Learn from them and leave them in the past. You keep walking forward and don’t worry about those past mistakes.
5. Show love and kindness to others. Not everyone you meet will like you or get along with. Even if they aren’t your biggest fan you can still be kind to everyone you meet. Its not hard to smile at someone or hold the door open at the store. It doesn’t cost anything to be a good person.
“Life is too short to spend it at war with yourself.”
Everyday I look at myself in the mirror and hate the way I look. I am my biggest critic. I judge myself from head to toe. I stare at the bags under my eyes. I look at my stretch marks and my chunky belly, the cellulite on my thighs or even the 3 little hairs I shave off of my big toe. Why though? God made me this way. Sure I haven’t taken care of myself the way I should but I have also grown two little humans inside of me. So why am I so hard on myself?
I am hard on myself because I see people in public or on the internet who are fit and healthy and then there is me. There are all these fad diets and nothing has worked for me. I am so hard on myself because I give up too easily. If I don’t see the results that I want when I should have them then I quit. Do I like who I am? Do I like the person I have become over the years? That is a difficult question. I have made my fair share of mistakes over the years. But I do consider myself a good person. Do I wish I could go back to say high school and do things differently? Absolutely but without time travel that’s not going to happen. So I work on myself every single day to be a better version of who I am. I was always told that no one would love me until I learned to love myself. Until I met Dalton I believed that to be true. Once I felt the love Dalton had for me it rubbed off on me and I learned to love myself a little more than I had before.
“Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know before you learned it.”
We all need to learn to love ourselves and accept ourselves. Of course we can always improve ourselves and we will have times where we fall. Learning to be kind to yourself is important. Treat yourself the way you would want someone else to treat you. We are all our own biggest critics and our own worst enemy. We all have flaws so embrace them no matter what.
Stay positive. If you surround yourself around negative people it will rub off on you. You will become a negative person. Surround yourself with positive people and happy things. Work on being positive every single day. Find the positive even in a negative situation.
Forgive others, forgive yourself. Holding onto grudges will only make you bitter. It’s best to forgive someone who may have offended you. You would want someone to forgive you. Learning to forgive yourself is difficult. We have to learn to let go of those mistakes and move forward.
You are going to do great things in your life. Will you fail? Yes failing is a part of life but we are able to pick ourselves up and begin again. No matter what NEVER GIVE UP. Keep pushing forward and working on being who you want to be!
Just be yourself. Let people see the real, imperfect, flawed, quirky, weird, beautiful, magical person that you are.”- Mandy Hale

Love languages….which one are you?

Learning how we accept and express love is so important whether you are single, in a relationship or married. Most people have heard of the book “5 love languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman. This is where I first learned about love languages. There are 5 different love languages that you can fit your personality. Those 5 love languages are: receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service or physical touch. I didn’t know my love language for a long time but with doing research and reading his book I have learned how I love and how I accept love from others.
Receiving gifts- This could be one the easiest love languages to learn. Receiving a gift is something that you could hold and look at and know that your loved one is thinking of you. A gift is a symbol of that love.
Quality time- This can be a little more difficult especially depending on your schedules, kids and many other factors in your life. Quality time means turning off the TV, your phones and any other distractions. Sit down face-to-face and having your attention strictly on your loved one.
Words of affirmation- Someone who’s love language is words includes verbal compliments or appreciation. This love language is something very simple that can be done throughout the day.
Acts of service- This includes doing a task or something your loved one would have otherwise done yourself. Actions speak louder than words.
Physical touch- this love language includes holding hands, hugging, kissing or sexual intercourse. Someone may feel unloved without this. This love language can be hard. Especially if you are someone who likes and craves that physical touch.
I have broke down which love language I am or am not. I am probably the farthest away
from the love language physical touch. I am not someone who is a touchy person. I grew up in a family that didn’t use physical touch as a way of affection. I am also not someone who looks to words to make me feel loved. I actually don’t take compliments well because of the way I look at myself. I am also not good at quality time. A lot of that has to do with my mind is always going 100 mph and always find things that need to be done around the house. I am not good at just sitting down and talking.
My love language is definitely acts of service. The best way for me to receive love is having something done for me that I otherwise was going to do myself. So being surprised by the everyday things being done is what makes me the happiest. It could be something as small as taking out the trash or cooking dinner. It doesn’t take much to make me feel loved. My second love language would be receiving gifts. Who doesn’t love getting a gift. It could be something as small as picking wild flowers or receiving a heartfelt card. I don’t need or expect my loved one to spoil me with gifts. It’s the little things in life that make me feel loved and happy.
When it comes to Dalton’s love language, in my opinion, is physical touch. He is someone who loves to hold hands, be kissed or hugged. This is something that has always been difficult for me to do as a way to express my love for him. I am someone who only likes to be touched when I want to be touched. This has been a struggle for me because I want to be able to speak his love language. So I do my best. But its something that I have to remind daily that it’s the way he accepts love.
What is your love language? What about your loved one? Do you speak his or her love language? Being with someone you love is about commitment and sacrifices so even if you don’t speak the same love language doesn’t mean that you can’t. I don’t speak the same love language as Dalton but I try and will continue to try for him. ❤
Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to this picture. I am not a medical professional if you are having a medical emergency please contact 911 immediately. Disclaimer: I don’t own the rights to this picture. I am not a medical professional. If you are having a medical emergency contact 911 immediately. This blog is for informational purposes only. If you believe you may have a medical issue contact your local medical provider.