Struggles with my mental health

Lately things have been somewhat chaotic. Between finding out I was pregnant and having to stop most of my medications due to the pregnancy. Then I had a miscarriage and now dealing with some medical problems. My emotions have been all over the place. Some days I feel grounded and happy, other days I feel lost, hopeless and angry. I am not afraid to talk about my mental health because I know I am not alone and I don’t want anyone else to feel alone in their journey. These days though I have been angry. I went through many emotions the past few weeks but right now I am just angry. I’m angry that not only did I have a miscarriage but also that now I am having some other medical problems that aren’t getting situated fast enough. I’m ready for it to just all be over so I can truly move on. I have just been trying to stay busy and keep my mind busy so I don’t have to think or worry about it.
I know we all grief differently and my counselor just keeps telling me that its okay to feel whatever emotion I feel. You know how when you buy a new car and then you always see that car everywhere you go. It has been like that for me with pregnant women. Everywhere I go now I see pregnant woman, and I thought it would really upset me and make me sad but it has turned me bitter and angry. I find it that I just want to stay home because at least there I am not out being angry and bitter because I see someone pregnant. Some days are better than others but I just have to allow myself to feel what I feel so I can move forward. Also I have learned that someone saying “I’m so sorry” is just numbing once you hear it so many times. There are no words that can truly make you feel better about your loss. Don’t get me wrong I appreciate everyone thinking of me and sharing their condolences but “I’m sorry” is just a numb saying to me at this point. I used to be that girl that would say “I’m so sorry, will be praying for you” until this happened to me. Nothing can take that pain away and now I unfortunately understand that.
Some days every single thing gets under my skin and irritates me and I have tried to keep my emotions in check. I try to keep my anger under control but sometimes that just doesn’t happen. I have been feeling terrible because my three year old told me the other day “don’t yell no more mommy”. I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces again. I know he doesn’t understand what I am going through because he still randomly comes up to me, puts his hand on my belly and says “shhh baby is sleeping” ugh.
I have also learned that I have many people in my life that care about me. They have checked on my daily for over 2 weeks and I am forever grateful for them . If you have ever had to deal with something traumatic in your life. We all have in one way or another, I wont tell you I’m sorry. I will tell you that I am thankful you are still here and are doing what you need to do to live each day. ❤

I am the 1 in 4

These past few days have been excruciatingly painful to say the least. I am more talking about emotionally vs physically painful. Yes it has be physically painful but it is nothing compared to the emotional pain I have been going through. This is something I never thought would happen to me but since it has I had been doing some reading about miscarriages. As my doctor told me there was a reason for this miscarriage. Some of the main reasons someone may miscarry: genetic abnormalities, uterine abnormalities and sometimes the reason is not able to be known. There is nothing that can be done when a miscarriage starts. 
I put a lot of blame on myself when I first had my miscarriage. All the questions came flooding into my head. I wondered if I had something to cause this somehow. I wondered if there was something I could have done differently to change the outcome. Rational me knew that I had done nothing wrong and I couldn’t change what had happened but I still had those thoughts. Then the thoughts of what this baby would have been like flooded my mind. Wondering if it would have been a boy or a girl. How Elijah would be been a protective big brother like Brayden. There were so many thoughts and I couldn’t get them to stop so I kept myself busy doing anything to not let my mind think about my loss
I wanted to share my story and let all you other momma’s and daddy’s that have been through this traumatic experience that you are not alone. When I found out I was pregnant I also had a sinus infection. I didn’t go to the doctor at the time because I knew there wasn’t much they would do except some of the old tricks. Over the following 2 weeks my cough continued to get worse and I began having a pain in my right side. I thought was muscle strain from coughing so hard and often. One the 4th of July we went to Smithville Lake to go camping with my in-laws and watch the firework show. Then the following day we went back out to the lake and decided to do some boating and the guys got on the jet skies. I mainly stayed on the boat except for a few times getting in the water with my youngest. We got home late that night and I noticed I was spotting slightly. I didn’t think much of it because it was still early in my pregnancy and I knew implantation bleeding is common. Well I woke up on Saturday morning and knew something wasn’t right. So we headed to the Emergency Room. The doctor came in and told me that it is either a miscarriage or implantation bleeding. At this point I am trying to remain calm and positive but deep down I knew something was wrong. They drew my blood, and I went for a Ultrasound where I knew nothing was okay. When I got back into my room, the doctor came in and the nurse shut the door and began to tell me that I had a miscarriage. My heart shattered into a million little pieces. Once they left the room I lost it. They checked on me a few more times while giving me some IV fluids. After about 5 hours in the Emergency room they left me go home. I was numb, I couldn’t feel a thing. Dalton stopped and got me some food because I was starving but I don’t even remember what we got me and I don’t remember eating. We got back home and I laid in bed. The rest of that day and Sunday were a complete blur. I knew that every time I thought about it I would break down. I was trying so hard to be strong for Dalton and for Elijah who was at the hospital and home with us. He didn’t understand why mommy was sad and sick. Over this past week I have tried so hard to stay busy and keep my mind off of it. Then I went to counseling on Tuesday. I had told him what happened and that I was doing everything I could to keep it off my mind and while he said that was fine I also need time to grieve. He suggested that I find someone to keep the boys and I need to just rest, let my body heal and let me experience my emotions
I have learned a lot from having this experience. 1. Hearing sorry repeatedly doesn’t help. I’ve been that person who is giving condolences but until you are in that situation there are no words that can help you in that situation. 2. You have to learn to listen to your body very well. I was trying to go on with my every day activities and my body was screaming at me. I’ve had to learn to take it easy and let my body do what it needs to do. 3. Having someone tell you “maybe its for the best” or “its a blessing in disguise” can go straight to hell (excuse my language). I understand that having lost this baby opens the door to another baby if we decide that is what we want but it does not change how I currently feel. Brayden has been on vacation with his dad and just got home Monday so hes still been with his dad while I try to rest and get my emotions together. Elijah I feel so bad because he see’s me upset and crying and he doesn’t understand. He still comes over and pats my belly and tells me “shh the baby is sleeping” and it shatters my heart all over again. We have a beautiful angel watching over us. I know he/she is safe up there with their grandpa Wayne, uncle David, Papa Mark and many others who are watching over us. Fly high baby, I will see you again someday. ❤  

Never thought this would be me…

I never thought I would experience something so painful not just physically but emotionally. It breaks my heart just to say it but I AM that 1 in 4. I lost my baby at 6 weeks and 3 days. It was early but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. Honestly I have just been at a loss for words. When they told me “the tests prove that you are having a miscarriage” was a straight stab into my heart. It was something that I never thought would happen to me. I have seen many of my friends go through it and I would always give them my condolences and let them know I am here if they needed anything but when I hear those words now it is nice but it honestly doesn’t do much for me. Honestly not much anyone can say or do that will help me right now. I went to counseling today and talked about what happened which has helped me but at the same time doing what I need to do. I have been doing anything I can to keep my mind busy. Once I let my mind go is when I get emotional. He said that I need to just let myself go, have someone keep my kids for a few days, don’t worry about cleaning house, cooking or taking care of kids just rest and let myself feel what I am feeling. I know he is right because right now I’ve been trying to keep myself busy and not feel my loss and I think I am beginning to overdo myself because I am very sore and exhausted. Hopefully this weekend I can have someone keep my boys and I can do what I need to do. I just wanted to update everyone on what has been going on this past few days. Love y’all.

…We had an angel instead

Hey all! These next two weeks are going to be crazy for me. We are moving and getting packed and unpacked so I may not get to post as much as I want to during this time but I will do my best! Cant wait to show you all my new place! ❤
Today I wanted to post about losing a pregnancy. I know so many people that miscarriage has affected.
Pregnancy and loss
Pregnancy is supposed to be a beautiful time in a woman’s life. Unfortunately sometimes life turns your whole world around and puts a hole in your heart forever. A miscarriage is when you lose the pregnancy most commonly during the first trimester or before 15 weeks. Statistically 50% of miscarriages occur because there is an abnormal number of chromosomes.
Sadly 10% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. I mentioned the most common cause being the chromosomal problem. There are many other potential risk factors for a miscarriage. Some other risk factors include:
• Hormonal imbalance: Approximately 15% of all miscarriages are because of imbalanced hormones.
• High fever of 102 or above could cause a miscarriage especially before 6 weeks of pregnancy.
• Uterine problems or fibroids in the uterus can cause problems with the blood supply to the baby or can cause implantation issues.
• Chronic illnesses can cause up to 6% of miscarriages.
• Illnesses such as diabetes, lupus, autoimmune diseases, heart disease, and kidney disease.
• Certain medications
• Maternal age (over 35)
• Drug use, smoking or alcohol use
These are a few risk factors of a miscarriage. So how do we know if we are having a miscarriage. Some of the symptoms include:
• Bleeding (spotting in early pregnancy is normal)
• Nausea and vomiting (also can be common in pregnancy)
• Passing tissue or a clot
• Severe cramps
Sometimes women experience no symptoms especially if very early in the pregnancy. Unfortunately there is no way to stop a miscarriage from happening.
Ectopic pregnancy or tubal pregnancy happens when a fertilized egg attaches somewhere that isn’t your uterus. If this happens you must receive treatment because the Fallopian tube can’t grow a baby. Treatment for an ectopic pregnancy is necessary. Without treatment this could actually kill you. This happens in about 1 in 50 pregnancies. Risk factors of tubal pregnancies include:
• A birth defect or an abnormal growth could affect the tubes shape which could affect the ability for the egg to pass through the tube.
• Scar tissue or previous surgery
• Infection or inflammation of the tube
• Age plays a factor if you are above 35 years old you are at a higher risk
• Endometriosis
• Fertility medication
Symptoms of an ectopic pregnancy
• Stabbing, sharp pain in stomach or pelvis
• Bleeding
• Dizziness or fainting
How do you move on from having a miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy? There are so many emotions you may experience after a horrible loss. Then your hormones are trying to level back out so you may be all over the place emotionally. You may feel angry, guilty or sad. This is completely normal and is to be expected. During this time it’s so important to rely on your friends, family and loved ones. Don’t be afraid to ask for help or express your feelings. Join a support group or go to counseling to help you work through this emotional experience. Remember that you aren’t alone and your partner will also be grieving that loss. Regardless of how far along you were do something to remember your baby.
When you are ready you can try again. Getting pregnant again doesn’t mean you are replacing the baby you lost. Make sure you talk to your doctor to confirm you are in good health. You need to take care of yourself. Make sure you get enough sleep, eat a healthy diet and exercise.
I had thought about not writing this because I know how hard this can be for someone who has experienced this loss. I am lucky, I haven’t had a miscarriage but I know many women that have. I decided to write this not only to inform others about how common a miscarriage is. Also to let every single person who many read this that you are not alone. While I can’t speak from experience I am here for anyone who needs someone to talk too. I will be the ear you can vent to in complete confidentiality. If you have experienced this loss, please know I am extremely sorry you have had to go through this and know I am here. ❤